Men's violence against women takes many shapes. All cases are unique. The kind of violence used depends on the circumstances, in particular the personalities of the man and the woman, their genetic inheritance, their backgrounds, how they were once "programmed" to think and react, their sense of justice, their dreams and wishes, their conception of what life is supposed to be, and how far they are ready to go in order to reach their goal.
In cases where the violence continues for years before the woman leaves the man, it is usually a question of her struggling to save the relationship by being as yielding, giving and forgiving as possible, while it is his goal to force her to become the person he thinks it is her duty to be.
The problem is that the more a woman lets herself be ruled and demeaned by a violent man, the more he despises her, and the more the violence increases! For, paradoxically, most violent men don't want submissive, faint-hearted women. They despise such women. They want a charming, strong, admirable, capable, considerate, caring woman who gives in to him because she realizes that he is so much superior to herself. When the woman does not manage to meet all these expectations, various types of violence is the only way this kind of man knows to express his discontent and "punish" the one who he feels has let him down.
Articles in chronological order
In cases where the violence continues for years before the woman leaves the man, it is usually a question of her struggling to save the relationship by being as yielding, giving and forgiving as possible, while it is his goal to force her to become the person he thinks it is her duty to be.
The problem is that the more a woman lets herself be ruled and demeaned by a violent man, the more he despises her, and the more the violence increases! For, paradoxically, most violent men don't want submissive, faint-hearted women. They despise such women. They want a charming, strong, admirable, capable, considerate, caring woman who gives in to him because she realizes that he is so much superior to herself. When the woman does not manage to meet all these expectations, various types of violence is the only way this kind of man knows to express his discontent and "punish" the one who he feels has let him down.
Articles in chronological order
I am french and live in Sweden since a few years. I have a friend in France who has struggled for years against a violent and vindictive man. In France, a new law came out in july 2010 giving women some protection but it still seems very difficult to stop violent men. Lots more need to be done to protect women and children who are exposed to violence and harrassment.I would be very interested in reading your articles. And thank you for the initiative of this blog.
ReplyDeleteMarie
Hello Anonymous,
DeleteI'm really glad you found the blog! I only just started it, but I intend to approach a variety of issues regarding the very difficult problem of putting a stop to violent men, so continue to visit now and again for more info. And please don't hesitate to ask questions about issues you are particularly interested in. If they are at all similar to the cases I am familiar with, I'll be happy to give you any information I have.
Hello, I am in the U.S. and appreciate this blog so much. as I read the words in your posts about Sara, I could feel the terror Sara must have felt. Not only the terror for her, but those poor children. I can relate relate a bit as I was in a very abusive relationship and was convinced no one would ever believe me and I felt so small that I didn't deserve for anyone to help me because I allowed this to happen to me.
DeleteI was married to a man that made sure when he hurt me, he left no marks so that I could never prove anything. In the beginning, I thought he was out of his mind and couldn't help himself. But as time went on, I realized if he could hide this evil side and only let it out when no one was around, and then make sure there was no proof that it was him that did it, then I began to realize he had complete control over his actions, if he could turn it on and off. Finally there was a straw that broke the camel's back and I had had enough. It was an event I remember like it was yesterday. My husband (now ex-husband) held me by my neck over his head choking me, as my baby tugged on my feet crying out "Mommy, Mommy", I thought if I escape, I will never let this happen to us again and not let my son grow up in terror like this. He choked me and drug me out onto the sidewalk and with several blows to my face, I awoke to look over and see my neighbor across the street looking at me, and then he closed his door and ignored what he just witnessed, apparently. I got up, composed myself, walked calmly in the house, scooped up my baby, my keys, my purse and jumped into my car and drove away. I ran to a girlfriend's apartment, and filed immediately for a restraining order and a divorce. Of course he told the judge I caused the broken nose and 2 black eyes, to myself. And wouldn't you know it, the neighbor across the street that witnessed it all, was my husband's attorney. I had no faith that I would be given any credibility by the courts, but fortunately I was. I never again let a man lay his hands on me. But I must admit, I was still so naive on how abuse can come in many forms. Emotional, verbal, as well as physical. It took 2 more failed marriages for me to finally grow some self esteem. I think it took on my 3rd marriage when a marriage counselor told me to "run not walk to the nearest court, file for divorce and never look back" that put me on the road to reading all about abuse, narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths.
There are so many different personality disorders and types of abusive people that I finally took the time to learn and figure out what it was inside me that thought I deserved to be treated so badly. I can honestly say, I think I am a little smarter, and in a healthy relationship FINALLY and am conscious of each step I take to make sure I am looking clearly at who I am as well as what type of treatment I deserve and expect.
Still I think for the rest of my life, it will be a lot of reading,remembering how far I have come and trying to never ever go backwards. It helps to talk about it or type about it with others. So this blog should serve as a wonderful outlet for so many Cissi.
Thank you,
Mags
Mags, thank you so much for your very touching and very valuable comment, and sharing your personal experiences with us. Your story is so sad, and yet so uplifting, for it shows that there is light at the end of the tunnel, and that it is possible to get out of abusive relationships and to learn from past mistakes. I was particularly taken by these words: "I finally took the time to figure out what it was inside me that thought I deserved to be treated so badly". It must have taken so much courage, first to leave a series of abusive relationships, then to look deeply into your own vulnerabilities, and finally dare give love yet another chance based on your knew knowledge and awareness. Every person deserves to be treated with respect and consideration, and it is so sad that sometimes when people are treated badly for a long time, they lose this basic knowledge. I'm really glad that you seem to have finally managed to rebuild your damaged self confidence and your life!
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